It's been over 30 years since you've given me any presents. I mentioned this in my letter last year. Now, it wouldn't bother me so much, except everyone else gets presents from Santa. But my stocking remains empty. Okay, if you're still sore I wrote that story about you stealing money from people's homes, I get it. But that was a long time ago. And maybe you're still sore about that story I wrote where you were doing naughty things with girls along your route--Mrs. Claus read that one maybe? Still, all things considered, it's not like I shot you under Colorado's "Make My Day Law." Oh that's right, since you never bring me anything I guess you don't have to worry about getting shot.
And I'm sure Prancer's still sore about that story that reindeer are obsolete and should be cooked up on the barbecue grill.
So, in the unlikely event you show up, I could use just about everything. Most of my clothes are threadbare and worn out.
PS--My neighbor Karl says you stole his porno movie collection last Christmas. He wanted me to tell you he wants it back.