Saturday, April 20, 2013

North Country

I've mentioned before that we've never sold a single copy of any of the anthologies or Science Fiction Trails 1-9 to anyone in Canada--not ever.   I used to speculate that everyone in Canada was too busy sodomizing each other to have time for reading. Then I speculated they were all down at Tim Horton's doughnut shops eating doughnuts all day and that's why they never buy any of my books or magazines.

Well, my latest theory is a little bit different.  They don't like me.  I don't think Canada likes me. When I see cars with Canadian plates and they're always driving stupid, I flip them off and honk at them.  I didn't understand their strange driving was because Canada hates me--I just thought they were a bunch of idiots.   Well, at least now I understand.  They don't read my stuff because they are afraid it would get me to go back to Toronto.  They don't want foreigners like me in their Tim Hortons.   They've got good hot dogs in Toronto, too.  They don't want me eating them.  So, they figure I'll stay away if they don't buy any of my books and stuff.  Clever, them Canadians. Clever, indeed.  But I wasn't going to come back.  I've eaten Canadian barbecue.  Canadian barbecue is the most vile food ever promulgated upon the people of Earth. There is nothing more disgusting.  So hate all you want, Canadians.  I don't care because I've already eaten Canadian barbecue and there's nothing else you can scare me with. Nothing at all.

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